Saturday, January 3, 2009
Book Recommendation
Multiple Blessings by Jon & Kate Gosselin was a surprisingly well written look back at the family's journey from newlyweds to a family of 10. I think it would be difficult for me to write my family's history over the past three years and I only have two children to keep track of all the details on; I can't imagine having eight. The book also weaved the couple's faith through it with amazing stories of stangers generousity, kindness and selflessness. I don't understand how one couldn't believe in miracles; it's even harder to understand after reading the amazing transformation that Kate's body underwent to carry the sextuplets. What is even more amazing is that all six babies survived gestation, birth and are now thriving preschoolers. Miraculous indeed! I'll admit I am a Jon & Kate Plus 8 junkie, so the book was truly icing on my cake. But their story really is a beautiful one that nearly any person would find inspiration in. I recommend the read.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Missing: One Spunky Teenager & a Notebook Full of Dreams
My mornings are all about the same. Wake up too late to make it to work anywhere close to “on time”, dress kids, feed kids, clean up kids, wipe up table… Missed a spot, re-wipe table, let the dogs out, clean up pee after letting dogs back in, shower (while crossing my fingers that the kids and animals don’t destroy the house too much), dress, teeth, hair, make-up, change a poopy diaper, put coats, hats and shoes on myself and kids and make a dash out the door with toys, computer bag, lunch and purse in tow.
Regardless of my mornings, the majority of my life is good. I have a wonderful husband; two beautiful, smart daughters and four four-legged children. In addition, I have a house that would be small for most people, but I find to be the best place on Earth. So what is my problem? I’m LOST! I’ve lost myself and I don’t know where to find me. Just a minute ago I was 18 and full of energy, dreams… Ok, so I missed college. So, I feel trapped in a job that I can’t ever seem to focus on. So what? I should still be there somewhere, right? I don’t even know what I’m “good at” anymore. If someone asked what I wanted to be when I grow up, I wouldn’t know what to say. Most days I want to “be the man” instead of “work for the man”. But I haven’t seemed to muster up the courage to break free from my cubicle prison. I’m paralyzed by a fear of failure. My family needs my income in order to make it. What choices am I left with?
When I was a teenager I wrote everything down. Everything. I wrote poetry. I made lists of what I liked and didn’t like (like: smell of fresh cut grass, being hugged, listening to music with my brother – dislike: eggs, two piece swim suits, Health class). I made lists of books I wanted to read, words I liked to use, boys I wanted to date… The lists were endless. I was trying to get to know myself and I thought I had done a pretty good job by the time I ended high school. But that’s really where I lost myself. I had fallen in love. I got a job with a good, solid company. I got a dog. I got an apartment. I got another dog. I got married. I got a cat. I got promotions over the years. I bought a house. I had a baby. I had another baby. I got another dog. And before you know it, here I am. I’m lost. I make lists. I make to do lists, grocery lists… Even though the stuff I have is great, I gave up on myself. I traded in my youthfulness for responsibility. And it’s not that I don’t feel rewarded. My 20 month old daughter can count to ten almost on her own. That’s rewarding. But, it fades. And it fades when I’m alone during the longest parts of my day; staring at my computer screen; waiting. Waiting to find a different path. Waiting to find that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Waiting for my problems to be solved. But the truth is, I’m sure that I already have my answers. I can chose to get to know myself all over again. I can chose to get myself out of the corner I’ve painted myself into. I just have to overcome my fears. Or at least overcome my biggest fears; failure and rejection.
Failure and rejection are a part of life. “They help you learn”, says the annoying, but well intentioned friend, co-worker or loved one. Yes, they help you learn. So, what have I learned over the years? I’ve learned that if you don’t try you can’t fail. I’ve learned that if you try to be perfect you drive yourself and everyone around you crazy. I’ve learned that trying to fit in has made me unhappy and depressed. I’ve learned that love does some times come with conditions, and sometimes when it is unconditional it is taken for granted. I’ve learned that laundry is never “caught up”. I’ve learned that hope keeps people alive and trapped. I’ve learned that using a credit card is not the same as using cash. I’ve learned that when you ignore the puppy he pees on the floor. Where does all of that get me? It gets me here. Here at my kitchen table with my company’s laptop full of thoughts and questions. What’s my next move? Should I start that company that I’ve been thinking about? Or should I start writing that book that keeps playing around in the back of my head? Maybe I should just blog and get everything out of my system and then put my head back in my work for today and worry about tomorrow later?
Over the weekend I went to see a movie with my husband. In the movie the wife and husband are both writers (I think I had hoped for that once). They are reporters or columnists for local papers. Well, they “follow their dreams” and do what their heart desires; including moving their family from one state to another. How does one do that? I mean I have family here. I’d be taking my girls away from their grandparents. Is that right to do? Aren’t I just being selfish if I do that? I mean, who is to say that there is truly something better somewhere else? And still, I dream of it. In the same movie the wife quits her dream job to be a stay-at-home mom. Again, how does one do that? My income is necessary in order for us to keep our small home, two cars and dream of private school for our girls. I couldn’t quit my job. And still, I dream of it.
I guess I will end with this. I truly admire all of the people out there that have listened to their hearts and have figured out who they are and what they want out of life. More than that, I am jealous of you. Maybe one day, in my distant future, I will have some peace over the fact that I lost myself and my notebook full of dreams. Maybe one day, I will have gained some confidence and looked failure and rejection in the face and won. No, I’ll never have a trendy apartment in the big city. No, I won’t be a featured columnist in my favorite magazine. But maybe none of that will matter. Maybe it’s really just all about waking up on time.
Regardless of my mornings, the majority of my life is good. I have a wonderful husband; two beautiful, smart daughters and four four-legged children. In addition, I have a house that would be small for most people, but I find to be the best place on Earth. So what is my problem? I’m LOST! I’ve lost myself and I don’t know where to find me. Just a minute ago I was 18 and full of energy, dreams… Ok, so I missed college. So, I feel trapped in a job that I can’t ever seem to focus on. So what? I should still be there somewhere, right? I don’t even know what I’m “good at” anymore. If someone asked what I wanted to be when I grow up, I wouldn’t know what to say. Most days I want to “be the man” instead of “work for the man”. But I haven’t seemed to muster up the courage to break free from my cubicle prison. I’m paralyzed by a fear of failure. My family needs my income in order to make it. What choices am I left with?
When I was a teenager I wrote everything down. Everything. I wrote poetry. I made lists of what I liked and didn’t like (like: smell of fresh cut grass, being hugged, listening to music with my brother – dislike: eggs, two piece swim suits, Health class). I made lists of books I wanted to read, words I liked to use, boys I wanted to date… The lists were endless. I was trying to get to know myself and I thought I had done a pretty good job by the time I ended high school. But that’s really where I lost myself. I had fallen in love. I got a job with a good, solid company. I got a dog. I got an apartment. I got another dog. I got married. I got a cat. I got promotions over the years. I bought a house. I had a baby. I had another baby. I got another dog. And before you know it, here I am. I’m lost. I make lists. I make to do lists, grocery lists… Even though the stuff I have is great, I gave up on myself. I traded in my youthfulness for responsibility. And it’s not that I don’t feel rewarded. My 20 month old daughter can count to ten almost on her own. That’s rewarding. But, it fades. And it fades when I’m alone during the longest parts of my day; staring at my computer screen; waiting. Waiting to find a different path. Waiting to find that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Waiting for my problems to be solved. But the truth is, I’m sure that I already have my answers. I can chose to get to know myself all over again. I can chose to get myself out of the corner I’ve painted myself into. I just have to overcome my fears. Or at least overcome my biggest fears; failure and rejection.
Failure and rejection are a part of life. “They help you learn”, says the annoying, but well intentioned friend, co-worker or loved one. Yes, they help you learn. So, what have I learned over the years? I’ve learned that if you don’t try you can’t fail. I’ve learned that if you try to be perfect you drive yourself and everyone around you crazy. I’ve learned that trying to fit in has made me unhappy and depressed. I’ve learned that love does some times come with conditions, and sometimes when it is unconditional it is taken for granted. I’ve learned that laundry is never “caught up”. I’ve learned that hope keeps people alive and trapped. I’ve learned that using a credit card is not the same as using cash. I’ve learned that when you ignore the puppy he pees on the floor. Where does all of that get me? It gets me here. Here at my kitchen table with my company’s laptop full of thoughts and questions. What’s my next move? Should I start that company that I’ve been thinking about? Or should I start writing that book that keeps playing around in the back of my head? Maybe I should just blog and get everything out of my system and then put my head back in my work for today and worry about tomorrow later?
Over the weekend I went to see a movie with my husband. In the movie the wife and husband are both writers (I think I had hoped for that once). They are reporters or columnists for local papers. Well, they “follow their dreams” and do what their heart desires; including moving their family from one state to another. How does one do that? I mean I have family here. I’d be taking my girls away from their grandparents. Is that right to do? Aren’t I just being selfish if I do that? I mean, who is to say that there is truly something better somewhere else? And still, I dream of it. In the same movie the wife quits her dream job to be a stay-at-home mom. Again, how does one do that? My income is necessary in order for us to keep our small home, two cars and dream of private school for our girls. I couldn’t quit my job. And still, I dream of it.
I guess I will end with this. I truly admire all of the people out there that have listened to their hearts and have figured out who they are and what they want out of life. More than that, I am jealous of you. Maybe one day, in my distant future, I will have some peace over the fact that I lost myself and my notebook full of dreams. Maybe one day, I will have gained some confidence and looked failure and rejection in the face and won. No, I’ll never have a trendy apartment in the big city. No, I won’t be a featured columnist in my favorite magazine. But maybe none of that will matter. Maybe it’s really just all about waking up on time.
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